Be patient

We are working on more reviews, in the meantime, please enjoy these links. They are great.

http://www.thebestpageintheuniverse.net/c.cgi?u=xbox_suckit - An objective review of the Xbox game console

http://www.getthesugar.com/wp/?p=41 - Captain N's Reaction to the Revoltution

http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fasame2.web.infoseek.co.jp%2Fmariof1.html&langpair=ja%7Cen&hl=en&safe=off&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&prev=%2Flanguage_tools - Awesomely Gay Mario Comic

http://videogames.3yen.com/2005-09-19/nintendo-revolution-trailer/ - Condensed Version of the Revolution Controller Trailer

http://project-apollo.net/text/rpg.html - The rules of the Console RPG

http://www.albinoblacksheep.com/flash/mq - Best. Flash. Ever.

Thanks for checking!

Nintendogs - Review

PickyPants - Nintendogs - Review - DS

First of all, let's just say if you were going to buy this game, you would have already done so without reading a review. Every so often a game like this comes along and it's either the kind of thing you were waiting for, or something you would never buy in a million years.

I am one of the first person types.

When I heard of a dog simulator, I must admit I was really, really excited. I have always been a fan of Nintendo, and I knew if they brought a complex AI simulator to market it wouldn't simply be a rehash of the PC screensaver Dogz.

That having been said, lets get to my review.

Nintendogs is a dog simulator that comes in several different varieties. Chihuahua, Dachshund, and Labrador. The three versions give you different dogs to select from initially, but as all 18 breeds are unlockable in each version, so it doesn't really matter which version you choose, unless you are jonsing for a particular breed.

That brings up my first problem with the game. The three versions are essentially the same game. I think that's a little cheap of Nintendo. In this videogame era of Pokemon, it seems that superficial differences between cartridges, (red/blue, leaf/water, gay/straight) sells more units, while having nearly no difference between them. I simply disagree with that kind of marketing. I feel like the corporations are trying to bamboozle kids into wanting more and delivering less.

But I digress.

In addition to the initial breeds, there are 8 uber-secret unlockables in each game. Some of which are pretty f'ing cool. (One, for example, is a Mario Kart that you can drive around and terrorize your puppies with) The only way to get all of those is to engage in "bark mode" and try to get some kids from the mall to trade away their rarest possessions. That reminds me of trading a strip mine for a mox sapphire in the heyday of Magic, The Gathering, but that's a different story all together. More on bark mode later.

So the game starts with you having a crappy apartment, no friends, and 700 bucks in the bank. Much like I was after college. To combat the lonely void of unemployment and no television, you decide to buy a dog. You go to your local Kennel, and choose from a variety of different puppies. Once one is selected you take it home, teach it its name and its first trick (through the horribly dodgy DS microphone) and presto! You are ready to enjoy life with your dog.

When I say enjoy life with your dog, I really mean your life. This game does not go away when you turn it off. Your dog will get hungry, dirty, and need to poop while you're not even playing it. That is both incredibly cool, and worrisome. What happens if my DS runs out of juice when I am on a 5-day road trip? Will my dog die? Will I come home to a little dachshund skeleton waiting for me? Ugh… It's too eerie to contemplate, but this is a game that requires more time out of its user that any normal game. This is a really cool gameplay tool, as constantly having to come back to feed your dog will invariably bring you closer to it. You will actually feel guilty while playing another game on the DS knowing your puppy needs to take a piss.

Once you undertake the responsibility, you can embark on a variety of cleverly disguised mini-games such as "Wash the dog," "Brush the dog," "Walk the dog," "Practice Frisbee with the dog," "Teach the dog tricks," "Play music for the Dog," and many more. These mini-games seem connected by the second screen's involvement. The second screen functions as a dog walking minimap, the doggy vital sign display, the conversation window (for talking with other dog owners whilst walking) the turn order for the Agility Trial and more. The whole game's appearance and functionality is very streamlined and appears very well thought out.

After a while your puppy will become a well oiled machine of obedience and Frisbee catching. (Ridiculous though it may seem to have a miniature dachshund catching Frisbees) You enter your dog into various competitions, with multiple challenge levels and win big, big money. Nothing is so rewarding than watching your puppy swinging around a giant trophy with Nintendo trademarked confetti falling all around it.

With all these options, and the inclusion of your dog "finding stuff" while walking for you to play with, it would seem that there is an endless amount of stuff to do and see.

Not quite. There is a downside to this game.

I have a problem with the "personality" of the dogs. They do have different personalities (The box says so!) but the problem is they don't seem to differ all that much. Some will ignore you for a while before warming up, some will have boundless energy, and some will fight and bark more. Other than that, no difference. Who would have thought that a golden retriever puppy would behave exactly as a Chihuahua puppy? Its almost as if the textures covering the dog model were the only main difference. They look different, they act pretty much the same. Which is not to say that it's terrible; a bunch of puppies tripping over themselves fighting for a toy bone is awesome to witness. I just wish they put some more time into the development of the personality AI.

The DS microphone sucks. Totally sucks. You can tell when it replays your voice back to you to indicate what command you are trying to teach your dog. You say "Sit" and the game plays back "Iiitsshh." No wonder your dog looks so confused. Thankfully, agility and Frisbee catching training don't need the microphone at all, and are equally, if not more enjoyable than the obedience training. It is worth mentioning that if you do get particularly good at obedience training, your dog can do some pretty amazing stuff. There are some pretty entertaining movies for download of stuff owners have taught their dogs. Just do an online search.

Bark mode is Nintendogs' multiplayer mode. It is the lamest multiplayer mode ever created. Instead of syncing up, you and your friend's DS' display you and your friend's dogs on each other's screens. So you each have an individual experience. Its like a goddamn instanced zone that has no bearing on your dog's personality or mood.

Unfortunately, much like The Sims, Nintendogs also suffers in the late game. There doesn't seem to be that much to do after initially getting inundated with so many options. For example, you might see the "Home Decorating" tab. Being curious you click on it and see that there are 3 upgraded spaces you can move into for a price. These new "upgrades" are nothing more than different textures for the background of your house. No difference in quality or functionality. That's a little disappointing. Also half the crap your dog brings you on a walk is totally worthless. When you get a good toy or accessory it's excellent, but a lot of what your dog brings you are like trophies from Super Smash Bros. Melee, or the figures from The Wind Waker that you collect by photographing the whole fucking world. God, I am still annoyed at that.

Also, like The Sims, if you are a number oriented gamer, you could be annoyed beyond all reason at the lack of numeric, or even intellectual support for any of the actions you may perform. There is an attribute referred to as "Trainer Points" which dictate what breeds you have access to, what is sold in the stores, and how friendly the neighborhood responds to you. This number seems to go up and down for no reason whatsoever. And when it does go up or down, there is no message telling you so, so you can't figure out what actions to avoid or continue.

You might want to know exactly what the difference is between dry food and wet food. (the latter being more expensive) There is no information backing that up. While walking the dog, does running the dog help with agility and stamina? Beats the crap out of me. Brushing and washing the dogs affect the same attribute, (cleanliness) so do those abilities stack? Are they redundant? Does a ribbon that's explanation reads "This will make your puppy stand out" have more bearing on the judges than the ribbon that reads "This will make your puppy look fantastic!" A min-max gamer could have a field day with the lack of numeric support in this game. Its reminiscent of Everquest where you know you're getting experience, but you don't know how much. The only information you do get is from the other dog owners in the neighborhood. They will say things such as "Your dog likes it when you whistle." Does that mean my dog will respond to a whistle, or a whistle will make my dog "feel better?" Who knows!

Another drawback is money. What do you do with it? Other than saving up a shitload of money for a new jpeg of a condo, you can really only buy more dogs, to a maximum of three, food for the dogs, and the occasional new toy that comes to the second hand store. Other than that, there's really no reason for money. Which is a pity. Perhaps when someone unlocks the mystery about whether the "upgraded" apartments actually do anything, it will be more important to make it. Until then, you'll be sitting on a lot of it. Much like a late-game Final Fantasy VI save.

Now taking all that negativity into account, I have to say, every time I turn on this game and am greeted by my dogs, I can't help but smile. I love those little bastards all slobbering and jumping all over themselves. I wish so deeply the game could be more than the sum of its parts, but watching my dogs bark along to music I play on the in game keyboard, and putting pirate hats on them is just so awesome, it almost makes up for anything negative. Almost.

It is also worth mentioning that this is the first game other than Jawbreaker that my girlfriend has ever picked up and played. She is not a fan of gaming, so that's pretty cool. All in all, if you want a game like this, no one has come even close to the level of detail Nintendo has. But, there is still a lot of room for growth. This game is just a puppy, I am looking forward to a more grown up sequel.

9/12/2005
PickyPants

harshly_von_smokenstein - Nintendogs - Review - DS

First, I must quote Picky. I will never be able to put it better myself.

"First of all, let's just say if you were going to buy this game, you would have already done so without reading a review. Every so often a game like this comes along and it's either the kind of thing you were waiting for, or something you would never buy in a million years."

A million fucking years. One. Million. Goddamn. Years.

When Picky wanted us to review this game, my anus immediately clenched up, forcing poop to rise up my gorge and tickle the back of my teeth.

Swallowing, I eventually agreed. I don't know anything about this game. I am going to admit it. From the moment I turned it on, to the moment I turned it off (approximately 25 seconds later) I wanted to punch a fucking puppy.

If I want one, I'll buy one. Period.

I ended up going on a Scholomance Raid in World of Warcraft instead of playing the game.

I once tried playing this game while on the toilet. I figured if I had no other real distractions, perhaps I could finally get to the nitty-gritty and work my way into the game long enough to explain something about it.

I ended up shutting of my DS within moments and decided to sit, shit, and pretend I was a dragon razing a village.

My name was "Monsoon" and all the land feared me. I could breath fire. Pin point blasts. I targeted the puppies in the village.

I got nothing else for this game.

One fucking million years man.

Harshly_Von_Smokenstein
9/13/2005

Mario Superstar Baseball - Review

Here's the drill. I take a shot at the game, then harshly has his take. Thanks for checking!

Mario Superstar Baseball - Review - Gamecube - Picky Pants

Mario Superstar Baseball is one of the few sports games I will ever review, not to mention play. I have not been a fan of the sports genre since Ice Hockey. The Mario sports genre, however, has always been enjoyable to play due to the personality of the game, and the oversimplification of the gameplay mechanics.

In a group of four, the best time to play the Gamecube, you will invariably have players not up to snuff at games with a steep learning curve. Having a newer player "pick up" a game of Super Smash Bros. Melee and get destroyed by the pros is essentially telling them, "Don't even bother trying to play videogames with us." This is where the Nintendo sports line has been helpful. In getting those lesser gamers a chance to have a good time, but not to button mash their way to victory.

Nintendo has dealt with its audience very well in the last few years by making their first and second party software incredibly easy to pick up, with just enough depth for the hardcore gamer to get excited. The best recent example would be the addition of the "gunner" seat in the Mario Kart franchise. With the older Mario Kart games, there would more often than not be someone who knew all the Kart levels, (normal and mirrored) knew when to drift-boost and knew all the shortcuts. The problem with that was when they were racing against 3 other players, that person would never see their competition, save a random blue shell. Adding the option of a "gunner" seat in your Kart allowed one player to just relax, and focus on aiming shells. Easy for them, fun for everyone. The depth came in when two good players were in a kart together, they could assist each other in turning, stealing items, and dual drift-boosting. By giving their players accessibility, and eventual depth, Nintendo makes games that are attractive to get together and play.

But I digress. This is a review about Mario Superstar Baseball. From the moment you turn it on, you know this is a Nintendo sports game. I say that because of the unbelievably long animated CG video before the start screen. I swear to God, are these things getting longer? I thought I had seen enough of Waluigi and Wario's goddamned ridiculous antics in Mario Tennis. Hell, I thought the 10 minute Mario Tennis CG video was long. (made longer by the ninten-dolarious out takes during the credits) Nothing prepared me for the length of MSB's intro video. I went to get a glass of scotch and a pop-tart and came back and that video was still on. Amazing.

Mario Superstar Baseball is Nintendo's latest "new" sports franchise. I say "new" in quotes, beecause this game feels like a sequel to Nintendo's old school, RBI Baseball. Which, coincidentally, was the last baseball game I played. Mario, Luigi, and Bowser replace old favorites from RBI like "Drryl Stwbry" and "Rgr Clmns."

The first thing that jumped out at me was a lack of 4 player support for the actual game. This seems like bad news to me. People buy the GC for the 4-player support, and this game lacks such support for the main baseball game. I know baseball is a game typically played with 2 people, but come on! Can't Nintendo split pitching and out fielding to two players? There are
9 people on a team, you would think they could do something. But no. They do give you 4 player support for a bunch of mini-games, but a bunch of mini-games does not a rewarding experience make (As demonstrated by the Mario Party franchise) The fact that the game is called Mario Superstar Baseball and that you can't "baseball" with 3 other people is pretty aggravating.

The two player ballgame is like you would expect. Loads of crazy Mario characters doing their crazy Mario thing, jumping, whooping, and back flipping around the field catching crazy bomb shaped fly balls and engaging in tom foolery of all sorts. The gameplay mechanic is tight, controls are responsive, and the game just makes sense. No rocket science here. I am not a baseball game purist, but if you are, you might not like the looseness of the mechanics.

Then again, if you were a baseball game purist, you wouldn't probably own a Gamecube in the first place.

One really cool part of the game is selecting your team. After choosing a team captain from Nintendo's finest, you then select 8 additional players for your in and outfield. With a staggering 32+ characters to choose from, MSB makes it easy for both players to choose unique team members. Each character is divided into four categories: Balanced, Speed, Technique and Power, and they are all rated in hitting, pitching, fielding and running. Choosing a team requires a certain amount of strategy, allowing you to pick a perfect team to combat your weaknesses. If you suck at fielding but excel at bat, you can populate your team with runners and fielders, giving you a huge outfield edge, but when its your turn at bat, you must rely more heavily on your own timing and skill. It is reminiscent of the NES game Ice Hockey where you could play with a team of fatties, or a team of skinnies, or one fatty and three skinnies etc. It can be incredibly amusing to choose, for example, Bowser, Wario, Donkey Kong (who doesn't use a bat, hitting instead with a boxing glove on his fist. Awesome) Petey Piranha, the fat marina people from Mario Sunshine and King Boo. Interestingly enough, in order to have so many playables from the Mario universe they had to scrape the bottom of the barrel to accommodate. Any character with so much of a cameo from older Mario games is ready to play. Skeleton Koopa, Para-goomba, and the dude who owns the hotel/casino you save in Mario Sunshine all are extending their 15 minutes. I just wish Ludwig Von Koopa was here.

Once the game starts though, there is a glaring fault. Much like the annoying as hell "Star Moves" in Mario Tennis, all of your batters and pitchers have "Star Pitches and Swings" in order to add the unneeded element of randomness to the game. Can't play very well? No problem, just toss a ball that is impossible to hit! Obviously the number of Star Moves you have are limited, but that doesn't stop them from being exacerbating. The strategy quickly goes from hitting and fielding to saving up your star points for a scoreless 8th inning. Cheese. Certain people feel this addition is acceptable, and adds to the late game strategy, that could very well be, but I for one, do not have the time or inkling to develop that late game. It can be turned off in the options menu like Tennis, but the problem I have with it is the wasted time they spent developing the special graphics and the lack of time spent balancing the moves themselves. Adding to this nuisance is another problem ported from Mario Tennis, which is "random playing field mishaps." Thankfully there is a standard field with nothing but grass, chalk lines, and sunshine. Other than that, there are 4 stages full of annoying random elements. Nothing is more hateful than hitting a well timed shot to left field for a double and having a piranha plant eat and spit your ball to an outfielder for a catch they would have never made. Ugh. Cheese. If adding that element to the game is up your alley, so be it, but I like to win on my own merit and skill, thank you very much.

As for the other game modes, there is an abysmal 4-player mini-game arena where you and 3 friends can run around and collect gems, or hit homeruns over and over. Not both at the same time mind you, that might be marginally fun or challenging. No the mini-games look like they were added so the back of the box would say "1-4 player simultaneous."

Other than that, there is a pretty awesome one player game that is akin to an RPG. You walk around a little map, and try to build your team, leveling up their attributes along the way. Its actually really fun, and a great way to get introduced to the gameplay. The problem is, of course, people don't buy Mario Superstar Baseball for a one-player experience, do they?

All in all, the game is fun. The controls are tight, the visuals are bright and entertaining. And the characters are, as always Nintendo-rific. Waluigi particularly. The lack of four player support and the cheese-tastic star moves keep this game from being a buyer for me. If you have less than talented gamer friends who really like baseball, it might be worth a rental. This game is a long hit fly ball that is caught out right before going over the wall. It's too bad.

9/8/2005
Picky Pants

Mario Superstar Baseball - Review - Gamecube - Harshly_Von_Smokenstein

Mario Superstar Baseball. First of all, sports and Nintendo have always married to have some really ugly kids. There is a reason that EA Sports has been slowly shying away from the Gamecube and favoring the Xbox and PS2. That reason is probably associated with the fact that, yet again, Nintendo decided to make a Macy Day Parade out of a sporting venue. Big Fat Cartoony Characters floating their way through a concept.

The genius though, is unintentional. Let me explain.

The Gamecube is tailored for a younger audience. Poke-players, if you will. These little fucks are the snotty nosed 8 year olds who tug on their mother's sleeves in Toys R Us and whine about not having the 7th installment of Mario Party. But Nintendo knows that this categorum of player is invaluable as anyone will pay any amount of money to shut these rat-bag shits up.

But, a side effect, is that most of Nintendo's multiplayer titles work beautifully with drunken video game play. Drunken party play. I'm talking games that are perfect when the hookers have gone home to leave you and three friends at to your own devices at 5 AM. Specifically "more beer" and the "Gamecube."

Back to the game. Mario Superstar Baseball pretty much falls from the same mold as Mario Tennis, Super Smash Bros, and Mario Kart.

I'm sure you remember back in 1994, while stuffing your trapper keeper into your locker, you whispered "Man, it would be so awesome if there was a game where Mario and Link and ____ and _____ all did _____."

Well, Nintendo did it again. All those plucky characters you love and perhaps have no to rememberemember swinging at stink-bombs and spikey projectiles.

BUT ONLY TWO PLAYERS?!

Come on. Nintendo...don't you realize that if all 3 of our friends aren't kept busy simultaneously they'll just end up passing out in a puddle of urine choked vomit?

Ok, ok. Mechanics.

Control is fairly responsive. Very low learning curve. Nothing new there.

Graphics are predictable. Big huge cartoony characters are a must when one's vision is failing due to blood alcohol content. Sober, they are fairly delicious in a guilty way. The thought "I shouldn't think this is good..." will wander through your skull.

Replay value? Well, depends on how much you deserve to have sex I guess. An outgoing, charismatic individual with plenty of friends and/or a girlfriend/boyfriend will probably not pick this off the shelf as often as some of the other titles available.

Now, if you are a lonely gamer who collects these "Mario and Pals" themed games just to capture random up-skirt shots of Princess Peach during a fortuitous pause...then you'll probably enjoy the hell out of the game.

Or if you are a little whiney kid.

Ultimately, I have to say that this game is probably a decent weekend rental, but definitely not worth purchasing.

All that bullshit about mini-games and other such "extras"...I trust you, the consummate gamer reader. I trust you not to buy a game based on what mini-games are available.

After all, if such a decision was made in this way, no one would ever play Super Monkey Ball.

9/9/2005
Harshly_Von_Smokenstein

Here we go!

And we're off!

Let me quickly explain the nature of this blog.

As a gamer, I am annoyed at a lot of the reviews I read online and in magazines. The reviewers seem to think a game is better suited for playing if it is unique and thought-provoking. Now I am not adverse to either, in fact I think a lot more originality is needed in this medium, but a problem these reviews have is they are paid to write reviews, and they get the games for free.

That in mind, it is our opinion that these "game reviewers" don't know what it's like to balance full time work, relationships, and free time with their games, and they don't have to shell out $50 every time they want something new. Their lifestyle gives them a skewed viewpoint, and we find they don't tend to make recommendations that normal people would like.

Its almost as if, if you could imagine, someone who works in a book shop who's job it is to read every book that comes in. Wading through so much shit for so long can make a mediocre book looking pretty goddamned amazing.

We don't work in a book store, we don't even like reading that much.

If you need to play a piece of shit game for 6 hours before you start to uncover something cool in it, well then, that's 6 hours we don't want to waste.

Now this isn't some casual gamer site. We won't be recommending frat boy games, movie licenses, or Namco fighting games. We are self-proclaimed hard core gamers, the difference is, while we enjoy "The Wind Waker" We just don't have the time to find all the extra useless secrets, caves and figurines it has to offer. We don't think the 187 hours of playtime needed to get through the ".Hack" RPG franchise is condusive to the unrewarding ending.

We are gamers, not goddamned stoners. We don't play ATV off-road fury on "explore" mode while toking up. We want the most bang for buck and the time.

For the time being, we will be reviewing Gamecube and PC games. Its not that we dislike the other systems (Except the goddless piece of shit "Frat-Box") its that at this time, my co-reviewer has no access to the PS2, or any of the portables.

If you disagree with our reviews, that's great. I would love to have a discussion in the comments field about a particular title. If your criticism consists mostly of,

"Joo l0zerzorz, Ill pwn u at h@lo bitchfags"

Well then, our responses will be limited to say the most.

So please check back and see what's happening.